On “Twin Flame Trauma” and How to Heal It

On the New Age scene, “twin flame” relationships are all the rage. YouTube is overflowing with guided meditations for attracting one, testimonies and storytimes by people who’ve had them, and bulleted powerpoint presentations of Signs You’ve Met Your Twin Flame. Alongside all this positive propaganda, you’ll also find dire warnings: twin flame relationships almost always end in disaster. Be careful.

But for the un/lucky lovebirds who fall (hard) into these relationships, these warnings fall on deaf ears. Meeting one’s twin is like a homecoming. How could “home” be anything other than good?

To the pair, it seems like a match made in heaven: Right from their first meeting — which usually happens under unbelievably synchronistic circumstances — they can’t shake the eerie feeling that they already know each other, though they’ve never met before. They begin to see everything as confirmation of this inexplicable knowing: they share the same ridiculously specific interests, right down to favorite brands of tea and obscure songs; they have the same peculiar mannerisms, thought patterns and way of speaking; sometimes even their birthday is in the same week, if not on the same day. Their feeling that they already know each other may morph into a sense that they *are* each other, just in different bodies. And in a sense, they are — which I’ll explain later.

The rush of being understood to this degree is exhilarating. Outside observers can’t seem to understand what these two lunatics see in each other, exactly — but they’re in their own little world anyway, oblivious to such shallow judgments. They can’t get enough of each other, or stay away from each other, or keep their hands off each other. Finally! The search is over!

Or so they think. But soon, before they can make sense of it, they find themselves deeply confused — and confused about the confusion. The smallest challenges become immense obstacles. Tiny issues become tsunamic fights. They can’t seem to stop fighting, or crying, or getting triggered senseless. This inevitably morphs into corrosive resentment. What started as a match made in heaven, has become a gruesome journey through hell. Where did all this hatred come from? How, and why, did their intoxicating love become toxic?

Having observed many so-called twin flame reunions (and having experienced this myself), I have come to conclude that this dynamic is usually astrological. Look at any textbook case of a twin flame connection, and more likely than not, the partners involved had at least one of their luminaries in the same nakshatra.

Nakshatras, if you don’t know, are 27 subdivisions of the 12 zodiac signs — basically, a more specific “sign” within a sign. (If you’ve ever noticed a major difference between “early” Scorpios and “late” Scorpios, for instance, this is why.) To use myself as a case study, my twin flame (now ex) and I both had our moons in Shatabhisha nakshatra. If you follow Western astrology, that’s a subdivision of Pisces.

The thing about dating a fellow nakshatra native is, you’re essentially dating a mirror. It’s a relationship with yourself, through someone else. And if you don’t like yourself, well… you’re going to have your own deepest, darkest subconscious motives, desires and issues mirrored back to you, in realtime, incessantly. For anyone wishing to avoid anything about themselves — a secret, a fetish, a trauma, etc. — this constant mirroring is excruciating. So if you’re not ready to TRULY face yourself, a twinflame relationship can even cause you feel “abused” or victimized in some way, though the harsh truth is that your partner is only showing you what you’re like. This relationship can also feature unbearable stagnation, confusion about what role each partner is to play, and mutual manipulation of cosmic proportions.

And therein lies the reason most twinflames end in disaster: most people are, unfortunately, not ready to love themselves through the vector of somebody else. Hate them as you may, your twin flame only ever shows you more about YOURself. They’re maddening, but only if you’re mad. 😉

It is true that twin flame partnerships rarely last long (you’ll have better luck with your yoni consort; look into the yoni kuta system). But if you’re in a twin flame situation, can you make it work? I think so.

Some would say that dating a mirror-person is actually ideal, because the relationship acts as an incessant feedback loop that allows you to examine your internal state in an externalized form. This can be very useful if you want to develop awareness of your own thoughts and emotions.

If dating a mirror-version of yourself feels like hell when you’re at your worst… imagine how glorious it’ll feel when you’re at your best? The key is to remain aware, at all times, that your internal state is what determines the nature of the relationship — not your partner’s internal state. The end of your fighting begins with you recognizing that you started the fight, with none other than your own feelings. So adjust your inner space, and watch how your partner’s behavior simultaneously changes in response.

It’s magic. It’s also hard work — but it’s the most worthwhile work you can do to develop all the qualities necessary to living a fulfilling life: self-control, self-awareness, and self-love.

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